Perception

By Autum Meyers

Featured art: Leaf and Branch by René Crevel

In high school I was afraid of Pop-Tarts. To most people, this short sentence sounds absurd, comical even. How can someone be afraid of Pop-Tarts? Well, I was. And it wasn’t funny. Because to me, they weren’t just Pop-Tarts anymore. They were how I defined myself. They were how I perceived other people. Pop-Tarts had a control over me that I couldn’t understand, and no matter how hard I tried to push the fear down, simply thinking about one was enough to make me panic. I didn’t realize what was happening to me. All I knew was this: it’s not fun not being able to eat.

***

Richard Morton was the physician who described the first modern cases of anorexia nervosa in 1689. Of course, anorexia existed long before these cases, but the description was completely new. He examined the patients, and realized that there were no physical reasons that prevented them from eating. He concluded that the patients were suffering on an emotional level and described them as suffering from “nervous consumption.” In other words, they were told that eating made them nervous.

***

Eating Pop-Tarts used to be fun when I was little. Pop-Tarts aren’t flaky and soft like your typical pastry tart. Instead, they are stiff and crumbly, more like a shortbread or hard sugar cookie. My sisters and I used to break our Pop-Tarts into pieces just so we could see whose would crumble the most. However, as soon as you put a Pop-Tart in the toaster or microwave, they become soft and gooey in the center, and tearing them apart becomes an entirely new experience. Mom would sit our hot Pop-Tarts in front our eager little hands, warning us to wait for them to cool off. We never waited. We’d grab them and rip them up as fast possible, laughing when one of us would hold onto a piece too long and burn our fingers.

***

When a person is struggling with anorexia, food is no longer just food. It becomes a labeling game that no one else can understand. Many people who suffer from anorexia don’t just starve themselves. A lot of times, they’ll start off by limiting what they eat to just a couple things. These foods are labeled as safe, something the person has convinced themselves is low enough in calories to eat. All other foods are labeled as dangerous, too high in calories, and completely off the table. These dangerous foods become something terrifying and ugly—an enemy that is always beckoning, trying to draw you in. And you have to keep saying no. No, I’m not hungry, no I don’t need it, no I haven’t exercised enough today. You never give in, but the fear of what would happen if you did is what torments you.

***

I had just gotten done with cross-country practice when my fear of Pop-Tarts began. The air was frigid that day—cold enough that my coach told me to do my stretches inside. So, it was the weather’s fault that I happened to be sitting by the gym doors when Grace Hunter came out chatting with her friends. Grace was gorgeous. She had thick blonde hair that had a slight wave to it, her skin was always tan, and she was so friendly that she made you feel like you had been friends forever, even if you’d only ever talked for a few minutes. It was no surprise that she was one of the most popular girls in my class. What I really admired about her, though, was her figure. She was thin and tall, but still managed to have curves and muscle from all the training she did for basketball. I was in awe of her shape—I wanted to look like that. So, when one of Grace’s friends asked her what her favorite type of Pop-Tart was, and she responded that she didn’t eat junk food like that, I knew what I had to do. I could never eat a Pop-Tart again.

***

In the Middle Ages, many people practiced holy fasting, believing that it brought them closer to God. However, some people took holy fasting to an extreme level, and obsessively starved themselves. This obsessive religious fasting became known as anorexia mirabilis—loss of appetite caused by the miraculous hands of God. St. Catherine of Siena was one the people who suffered from this illness. She only allowed herself to eat the body and blood of Christ, wafer and wine, but even then, she never swallowed. The priests would watch anxiously as she chewed and spat out her food. They begged her to eat, but she insisted that something kept her from doing so, and that only extreme starvation could prove her devotion to God. I don’t know if her starvation brought her closer to God, but I do know it caused her to suffer a stroke and die.

***

One day after school, I walked into the kitchen to find one of my younger sisters, Aubreigh, eating a pack of Pop-Tarts as a snack. Not even a meal—just a sugary, carb loaded snack. I stopped in front of her, my legs suddenly incapable of moving on. She looked up at me, and widened her eyes—a silent question as to why I was watching her. I cleared my throat and tried to smile, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her fingers as she reached into the crinkly Pop-Tart wrapper, and broke off another piece of the pastry. The snap made me flinch. Warmth flooded my cheeks. Don’t say anything, I thought to myself. You don’t need to say anything.

I couldn’t help myself. “Are you seriously eating Pop-Tarts as a snack?” The words blurted out of my mouth. I tried to sound like I was teasing, but my voice came out too tight and uneven.

My sister narrowed her eyes at me, defensive. “What’s your problem?”

I shook my head and tried to shrug my shoulders nonchalantly. “Nothing. Pop-Tarts are just really bad for you—that’s all.”

***

There is no cure for anorexia—only treatment. While receiving treatment, the individual is taught how to cope with their emotional pain in different ways rather than using food as an outlet. They’re shown how to love themselves the way they are. The combination of counseling and support from friends and family is known to help a person with anorexia become healthier; however, many people mistakenly believe that once a person is done with treatment that the person is completely healthy. In reality, only 21% of people with anorexia make a full recovery—a recovery that means they no longer obsessively think about everything they eat, or stare at their body in the mirror just a second too long, seeing and feeling something that no one else can. People need to understand that recovery from anorexia is an ongoing process that for most people never stops. Every day, the person must make the choice to be better, to be healthier. It’s hard, but not impossible.

***

I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I feel is hungry. If I were the way I used to be before, I would have savored this feeling of ache and hollowness. I would have challenged myself to see how long I could go without eating before making myself too nauseous. Now, though, the first thing I do is roll out of bed and pad downstairs to the kitchen. I rifle through the cabinets and drawers, and find that mom bought my sisters’ and I’s favorite type of Pop-Tarts—Wild Berry. I stare at them, debating. Thoughts begin to filter through my mind. Maybe if I eat these, I just won’t eat lunch. Maybe I can run an extra mile or two. Maybe… no. Stop. I shake my head, and grab the Pop-Tarts before I can overthink anymore. I rip the package open, and pull out one of the purple and blue frosted pastries. I hesitate, but take a bite. It tastes sweet and comforting, the way it did when I was little. I know that later I will feel guilty about eating this. But for right now, I shove the Pop-Tart wrapper with its printed-on nutrition label in the trash, and take another bite.

Works Cited

"Anorexia Nervosa." Mayo Clinic, 20 Feb. 2018, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-

conditions/anorexia-nervosa/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353597. Accessed 6 Nov. 2020.

Leigh, Suzanne. "Many Patients with Anorexia Nervosa Get Better, but Complete Recovery

Elusive to Most." UCSF, 19 Nov. 2019, www.ucsf.edu/news/2019/11/416006/many-

patients-anorexia-nervosa-get-better-complete-recovery-elusive-most. Accessed 27

Nov. 2020.

Shepphird, Sari, and Robert E. Emery. "Anorexia Nervosa." Britannica,

www.britannica.com/science/anorexia-nervosa#ref1039294. Accessed 6 Nov. 2020.

"St. Catherine of Siena." Catholic Online, www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=9.

Accessed 6 Nov. 2020.

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Autum Meyers (she/her) is an English Creative Writing major from Decatur Indiana. For fun she likes to run and spend way too much time talking to people about Star Wars.